Poem 2: The glad bird of my song

The original

When thou commandest me to sing it seems that my heart would break with pride; and I look to thy face, and tears come to my eyes.

All that is harsh and dissonant in my life melts into one sweet harmony—and my adoration spreads wings like a glad bird on its flight across the sea.

I know thou takest pleasure in my singing. I know that only as a singer I come before thy presence.

I touch by the edge of the far-spreading wing of my song thy feet which I could never aspire to reach.

Drunk with the joy of singing I forget myself and call thee friend who art my lord.

The revised

When you command me to sing, I think
that my heart will break with pride.
The harsh and the dissonant melt into one sweet harmony and
the glad bird of my adoration spreads its wings to fly across the sea.
I know that you take pleasure in my singing.
I know that only as a singer do I come before your presence.
I touch, by the far-spreading wing of my song, your feet
which otherwise I could never aspire to reach.
Drunk with the joy of singing, I call you friend who are my lord.

The reasoning

This poem is easy to edit: a little bit of “de-clunking” is the primary need.

I deleted the bit about “tears come to my eyes” because it’s unnecessary; it is one of the many instances in which the writer underlines the point overly heavily. And we are now going to lighten these poems–keep their gravity, but reduce their weight.